October 29th, 2007 @ 11:01 am
Yet another post that has nothing to do with homeschooling in its stricter sense. It’s about lessons so important that they aren’t covered in curricula.
This morning, I watched the PBS cartoon Arthur with my daughter. It started out about how annoying it is for kids to hear so many ‘no’s. Then the episode was about how important it is to be able to say no when you want to, or need to.
That’s a timely topic.
My friend’s wife’s daughter was just murdered by her abusive boyfriend. She stayed with him for three years, off and on, till he finally killed her. The whole time her family told her to end it, they supported her, but she still always went back. As a child she’d witnessed her father beating the crap out of her mother many times, till her mother finally said NO MORE and left. Unfortunately the daughter was never able to say that herself.
When I was in high school, my friend’s mother killed herself. She had finally left her violent husband, but her culture was against divorce and her younger kids and husband pressured her to get back together with him. She didn’t want to reunite with him, and didn’t want to tell them all no. So she jumped off a high rise instead.
I chat with women in a family group online. A few of them say their husbands are sometimes violent. Some others have guys who manipulate them deliberately. Almost invariably, these women stay in those relationships.
Their reasons are twofold:
1) “But I love him.”
and
2) “I’m not perfect either.”
which I guess means either that they think no one else will want them, or that they aren’t in a position to fairly criticize.
Since I can’t reach through the computer to smack these women, I’m going to answer them here.
1) A healthy relationship includes love, trust, and respect. One of those alone is not enough. Do you trust and respect a man who hits you? I couldn’t. If you don’t, get out. You’ll love again, and you’ll be loved again. Unless you stay with this violent guy–he might just kill you, and then you won’t care much about love anymore.
Are there others in your family that see the violence and suffer its effects? If you love them, get out, because they are being as victimized as you, even more so.
2) So freaking what if you aren’t perfect? You don’t have to be perfect to object to having someone hit you. Unless you are violent towards your partner too, the reasoning doesn’t work.
The last argument is the most ridiculous of all. Would you rather be happy alone or scared and angry in an abusive relationship? If those are the only two options, isn’t it a no-brainer?
Get out, get therapy, and swear off dating for a year till your head is on straight.
I know I am oversimplifying. I know that domestic violence is about control, and that the hitting is just one piece of a larger picture of mental domination. I suspect the victims (of both genders) don’t leave because they feel dependent on their abusers and think they need them.
But I am sad, and frustrated at a problem that, on its face, is easy to solve and yet that traps so many.
Anyway, that’s why my thought for the day is: teach your kids to say no.
Parenting · Life
said,
October 29, 2007 at 1:15 pm
Well said.
said,
October 29, 2007 at 3:33 pm
I understand that many women stay because they fear for their safety (or their family’s safety) if they leave. The threat: “I’ll track you down and kill you if you leave” - whether expressed or implicit - is very powerful.
Of course, that may not be the case with these ladies you chat with.
Great post!
said,
October 29, 2007 at 9:38 pm
Now there you go, ruining my theme with facts!
No, seriously–many women do stay from fear for their safety, and they are right to fear. The most dangerous time for a domestic violence victim is after s/he leaves.
However, I’ve spoken with many women (not on the ‘net, but at a former job), and fear wasn’t the reason most of them stayed. Not to dismiss it, or to minimize it–I’m just saying, that’s not all there is. It wasn’t a factor, so far as I know, for either of the women I wrote about. Nor has anyone in that online group claimed those threats have happened to her–which doesn’t mean much, of course, but it’s all I have to go on.
said,
October 30, 2007 at 10:40 am
Abusers don’t start out being abusive. It’s subtle. Bit by bit, they plant the idea that their victim is the one who is unstable, worthless, unlovable. After awhile, the victim believes it. Why wouldn’t she? By that point, the abuser has most likely managed to alienate his victim from friends and family. It’s a psychological mind game. I used to be very judgmental of those women until one day I realized I’d become one.
I was in an abusive marriage and I stayed out of fear. He threatened to kill my parents, sisters, and grandparents if I left. I wasn’t allowed to take all three of the children out of the house at the same time because he was afraid I would take off.
I sought counseling from a psychologist, who told me it was more dangerous to leave than to stay. I sought counseling from a pastor, who told me perhaps I should pray for God to change ME.
One night my husband stroked my face and looked at me with the most loving expression as he said, “One day you will let down your guard, and when you least expect it…I’ll kill you.”
The next day, I had him Baker Acted into a psych unit, packed a bag, took my kids and hit the road. Best thing I ever did, but I still lived in fear for two years, just waiting for him to show up unexpectedly and hurt me.
said,
October 30, 2007 at 2:28 pm
Thanks for sharing something so personal.
May I ask–and don’t answer this is you don’t want to–were there times during the beginning escalation where against your better judgment you stayed?
I was with a mental abuser for a few years, and there were several times where I absolutely knew I should get out, where he crossed a line, and yet I stayed. I’m not very good at saying no.
said,
November 5, 2007 at 9:18 pm
It’s hard to think straight when you’re terrified. In my case, I had no where to go. My abuser volunteered at the women’s shelter and was friends with the pastor at the homeless shelter. I had no way of knowing which of our mutual friends would report my pleas for help to him, and which ones would actually help me escape. In fact, I made one false escape — into a friend’s offer of a safe house, but they secretly called him so we could work it out. The only family members that were willing to take me in were also abusive.
I was totally aware from the moment the man first went berserk that I was in trouble, and had to get out, but when women would ask if everything was okay, I was forced to say yes, fine.
I was also afraid social services would take the kids. No way would the folks in that town have punished him. They’d have found a way to blame it in me.
Even now, looking back on what few options I had, I almost feel I escaped accidentally. No driver’s license, no bank account, two babies, no family, no friends. I should be dead.
said,
November 12, 2007 at 2:56 pm
I’m really, really glad you made it out.